


Anything But Love

by SocialDegenerate



Series: Anything But Love [1]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Heartbreaking, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-07
Updated: 2012-04-07
Packaged: 2017-11-03 05:15:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SocialDegenerate/pseuds/SocialDegenerate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo comes to a realisation that Sanzo may or may not want to hear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything But Love

_You could give me anything but love;_

_Anything but love._

\-------------------------------------------

Gojyo sank deep inside the body beneath him, the act of penetration ripping a groan straight from his throat. 

On his back with naked legs wrapped around the kappa’s waist, Sanzo was silent, though the short nails digging into Gojyo’s back spoke volumes. As usual, the priest was still wearing his black shirt and matching sleeves, and Gojyo’s pants had only been lowered to the middle of his thighs. It wasn’t the most comfortable arrangement, but the frenzy that gripped the men demanded that as little time as possible was wasted on preparation. 

As it was, the blonde hadn’t been stretched; he’d merely rolled a condom onto the kappa’s dick, slathered it with lube and spread his legs while demanding for Gojyo fuck him _hard_.Although it made him feel depraved to admit it, the pain of sudden entry sent Sanzo’s desire sky-high, masochistic tendencies he’d previously been unaware of coming into play. 

Gojyo set a punishing pace, thrusting in a harsh rhythm that had Sanzo angling his hips up to meet the redhead’s groin every time he pushed fully inside. A combination of moans, generic sex curses and some fairly interesting expletives came from Gojyo’s lips, and although the blonde didn’t vocalise anything, he was internally following the same line. 

Only a stubborn sense of pride kept Sanzo quiet as Gojyo shifted to hit his sweet spot with every stroke, his silence the last reminder of how the kappa would never totally affect him. The Ice Priest wouldn’t ever fully melt; he couldn’t afford to. 

Tightening his legs around a tanned waist, Sanzo grabbed a length of crimson hair with one hand, pulling the man’s handsome face closer so that his lips could be captured in a passionate kiss. 

Whenever any proper foreplay occurred, Sanzo refused to kiss; if there were a few infrequent moments of post-orgasmic cuddling, Sanzo refused to kiss. The only time that the blonde allowed Gojyo’s tongue into his mouth was during actual sex, and even then only when the priest wasn’t sure that he could keep himself quiet. 

Tongues moving together in a way that _almost_ matched the slide of Gojyo’s cock in Sanzo’s ass, the two men began to loose their coordinated rhythm, a situation that only worsened when the redhead reached down to quickly stroke Sanzo’s leaking erection. The priest had to pull his mouth away from Gojyo’s to avoid severing the man’s tongue when he bit down to keep his voice inside. 

Gojyo took the opportunity to renew his flood of words, speaking more than enough for the two men combined: “ _Fuck_ …’m getting close, Sanzo…Sweet Merciful Goddess, but you’re… _shit!_...beautiful like this…” 

Sanzo wanted to tell the kappa to shut the fuck up, that he wasn’t beautiful, or gorgeous, or stunning, or whatever new adjective that Gojyo had thought of; he was just a weak failure of a priest and a man who couldn’t control the actions of his own useless body. However, he maintained his silence, trying to bury thought beneath a rush of sensation from his cock and ass. 

The hand running up and down his erection was only a moment away from bringing him off, the pleasure that could only be found with another body sending shivers through his form. Losing himself in the mindless realm of physical satisfaction, Sanzo lost his fight to stay silent. His impending orgasm was coming up far too strongly, and he couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer. 

“ _Gojyo…”_ Although the words were barely whispered, crimson eyes widened at the all-too-rare sound, and Sanzo used the hand still on Gojyo’s back to hold the man close as the dick inside him jerked and spurted. 

The tightening of Gojyo’s hand around his erection, along with the redhead’s erotic cry of completion, sent Sanzo over the edge as he came across both his and the kappa’s stomachs. Eternally grateful that Hakkai and Goku were away from the inn to purchase more supplies, Sanzo didn’t bother trying to muffle any of the redhead’s loud moans, drawn from him as the priest’s ass clenched and forced the last drops of come from his sensitised cock. 

Gojyo slumped down on top of the blonde, breathing heavily as Sanzo gathered his wits enough to push the man to the side, simultaneously making the redhead’s now-spent dick slip from his body. The condom stayed in its proper place only by the grace of some perverted god, and Sanzo groped around to his other side for something to clean up his own mess. A box of tissues brushed against his hand and he snatched up the cardboard, purposely dropping it onto the kappa’s sated-looking face. 

“Ow, fuck! Watch those corners around my eyes, priesty.” Gojyo seemed like he was trying to be annoyed, but the best tone he could manage was a sleepy whine. Sanzo ignored him, cleaning them both up and reaching over to remove the condom, wrapping that in more tissues. 

He stood up, putting the sticky wad into the room’s bin and locating the corner where his jeans had been thrown. Covering his partial nudity as quickly as possible, Sanzo reached into his pockets for a cigarette and his lighter, thoroughly enjoying the rush of nicotine into his lungs. 

Letting the Marlboro dangle from his lips, the blonde looked around the small room, quickly recovering Gojyo’s wifebeater and throwing it across the redhead’s stomach. Gojyo sat up and sighed, covering his torso before gripping the waistband of his pants and standing, only then re-fastening the button and zipper. 

He started to walk towards Sanzo, who had stepped back from the bed and was beginning to regain his glare. Before he reached the blonde, the man pulled the cigarette from his lips and gestured with it towards the door. 

“Out, kappa.” The same two words that signalled the end of nearly all the pair’s encounters, and yet Gojyo found that it was getting harder to obey them every time. He paused, considering whether to try his luck and go over to Sanzo, or to simply leave. Gojyo could make out nothing but hatred in purple eyes, though whether it was directed inward or outward, he didn’t know. It wasn’t worth trying to find out. 

Slowly shaking his head, Gojyo turned away and walked out of the priest’s room. The door was slammed shut behind him, making the handle hit his back as long legs gave out and he slid to the floor. Sprawled out in the corridor with his back propped against the door, the redhead knew he looked pathetic; thrown out of the room like a cheap whore, without even the benefit making any money. 

Why did he keep going back? For months, continually appearing in Sanzo’s room whenever the others were out of the way, and then pretending like nothing had changed the moment they finished…but something _had_ changed. 

Gojyo dropped his head back against the door, flipping a cigarette between his lips and lighting up. Inhaling deeply, he let the smoke soothe his mind and calm him down. Gojyo didn’t think that he could ignore the issue anymore. 

He kept returning to fuck a man who treated him like shit. 

He often caught himself sitting in the back of the jeep watching light play off blonde hair, or sneaking glances of a delicate profile in the side mirror. 

He got angry whenever Hakkai sat down next to Sanzo, leaning close to go over whichever outdated map they’d managed to find; even though he was perfectly aware that it was business, and nothing else. 

Conversely, he felt a warm sensation whenever the priest sat next to him, even when it was only because there was one seat left; and the feeling was sweeter than just desire. 

He found himself keeping an eye on Sanzo in battle, alternating between being impressed by his fluid movements and worried for his safety; he’d gained a few new scars from getting distracted and being hit by his own opponents. 

There were a million other things that Gojyo could name, and each of them only reinforced the point that he’d been trying to avoid for weeks. Sanzo wasn’t just a convenient body for him whenever the women weren’t forthcoming. 

Sanzo was the only person he wanted to take to bed anymore. 

A dull throbbing started up in the side of Gojyo’s head, slowly building up until it was all the kappa could hear. His red eyes widened, and his breath started to come faster to the point that he was almost hyperventilating. His heart began to pound like a double kick drum beat. 

It wasn’t just about sex; Gojyo was misguidedly, horribly, completely-fucking- _insanely_ in love. 

“ _FUCK!”_ The shout was out before he could stop it, mind reeling from the sudden realisation. Gojyo had been ignoring his feelings because he’d figured that it was a crush he could easily forget; but this…this was all too much. 

He was Sha Gojyo, for fuck’s sake! He did lust, not _love_. Besides, did it have to be Sanzo? _Really?_

The redhead yelped as the door behind him suddenly opened, causing him to fall back and burn his hand on the cigarette that had been smouldering between his fingers. Looking up he could see Sanzo’s annoyed glare above him, the man still not wearing his heavy robes and appearing all the sexier for it. 

“Why are you still here?” Gojyo ignored the question, scrambling to his feet and stomping the cigarette out on the hallway’s wooden floor. He turned to look directly at Sanzo, ignoring the throbbing pain from his hand, and found that he couldn’t bring himself to walk away yet again. 

He knew that he shouldn’t say anything; he was fully aware that he couldn’t take back whatever came out of his mouth. But there were a lot of things that he knew he shouldn’t do, and he usually ended up doing them anyway…with varied results. Heart still beating fast, Gojyo licked his dry lips and tried to formulate a proper sentence. 

“Sanzo, I…I don’t really understand it, but,” he nervously cleared his throat, still keeping his eyes locked with the blonde’s, “I…I think I lo-…” 

His confession was cut off by a pale hand landing across his mouth, fingers pressing into his cheek to stop him from talking. Sanzo dropped his head and looked away, still gagging Gojyo with his palm. 

Even when the arm fell, Gojyo stayed silent, waiting for the priest to speak first. He could only watch as Sanzo turned, pacing into his room before turning and pacing back. He stopped and looked up into Gojyo’s eyes, face filled with an emotion that the redhead couldn’t truly name. 

It wasn’t anger, and it certainly wasn’t homicidal rage…Gojyo could only describe it as a vulnerable sadness, hardened slightly by the priest’s usual stubborn determination. 

“Don’t say it, kappa…don’t think it, don’t _feel_ it…please…” Surprisingly, Sanzo’s voice didn’t shake or waver, though it was barely above a whisper. The helplessness in the priest’s eyes made Gojyo’s heart begin to ache, and he wanted nothing more than to gather the man in his arms and comfort him, or just piss him off until the usual coldness returned. 

Sanzo reached out to grasp the edge of the door, running his other hand through his messy hair. Gojyo could sense an internal debate going on, and he wished that he could influence the outcome. He knew full well, though, that there was nothing he could say to direct the priest. 

Without any warning, Sanzo stepped forward and startled Gojyo slightly. Soft lips tilted upwards to connect with the kappa’s, blessing the man with a chaste kiss that ended as suddenly as it had begun. Pulling back, Sanzo stepped away again. 

“Don’t do it, Gojyo…I can’t love you back. I can’t love anyone…my heart is long gone.” 

Pressing the door closed with a soft ‘click’, Sanzo pressed his forehead against the cool wood, breathing deeply. On the other side Gojyo was leaning with his back to the door, standing this time. The agony in his chest made him believe that his heart had exploded, and that he shouldn’t be alive. But there was no hole in his chest and no signs of him leaving this life behind anytime soon, even though all he wanted was to curl into a ball and die. 

It was painfully clear to him that he would never grace Sanzo’s bed ever again, nor would he get to feel the man close to him. 

Gojyo had taken a chance and put his heart on the line, only to lose the most important gamble of the game that was his life.

He knew that he would never be able to win it back.


End file.
